


let me be

by strathroy (orphan_account)



Series: Tumblr Prompts [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Universe, F/F, GARY COME HOME, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Prompt Fic, Reunions, Tumblr Prompt, count how many times i self-promote in the notes, jdfhskfjhsdhj, lapidot reunion, this a reunion fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-21 20:25:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14922263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/strathroy
Summary: Lapis has second thoughts about leaving Earth. And Peridot.Diamonds be damned.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jhasdjhak uhh yeah my other fics need updates but im,,,, not feelin it so
> 
> i asked for prompts on my writing tumblr (@galaxxywrites) and this is what happened. 
> 
> so feel free to prompt me anytime, just know i might not be able to get to it right away, thanks!
> 
> (also this is split into two parts bc another anon wanted the actual apology, and this was getting kinda long so i split em up)

“Steven?”

It was late. Peridot’s voice was unsteady, and just by hearing her Steven could tell she wasn’t alright.

“Hm?” Steven sat up in bed, rubbing his eyes, “What’s wrong?”

Her position was reminiscent of the night she kidnapped him. At the bottom of the bed, but not crouched. Her hand was gripping the sheets tightly, and she was breathing heavily.

“She’s near,” her voice was tiny, “She’s close.”

“Lapis?” Steven questioned, regretting being blunt the second her name escaped his mouth.

She gripped the sheet tighter, body shaking. Steven’s heart panged with worry; she’s had a rough week.

“Peridot, c’mere,” he said, reaching out, “You aren’t alone in this, y’know? We miss her too.”

The small gem took his hand but shook her head, “They don’t care about her. She told me.”

“The Gems  _do_  care about her, it’s just… they don’t know how to help her.”

“They could try.”

“ _I_  miss her then,” Steven amended, “I miss her a lot.”

She couldn’t argue with that. So she stayed quiet, holding Steven’s hand but making no move to sit on the bed.

“C’mere. You don’t have to be alone in this, and I think that bathroom isn’t doing any good.”

He lifted up the covers, and Peridot accepted.

“We can talk about this in the morning if you want?”

She didn’t answer.

—

It was cold.

She felt  _so cold._

The moon was barren, craters and darkness wasn’t exactly the most warm “home-like” place. The only things of note were the Moon Base and the Barn.

And the Barn made her “heart” hurt so damn much she felt like she was dying. Every little thing she took for granted now taunted her with a better life, and regret threatened to drown her everytime she stepped in.

~~_She could’ve stayed._ ~~

~~_She **should’ve**  stayed._ ~~

~~_You need to talk to **her.**_ ~~

Which is what led her to find the observation sphere. It projected Earth on the walls, originally meant for Pink Diamond to view her colony.

Now it was for some sad, lovesick fool who let her fear blind her.

When she first discovered the device she immediately looked at the crater she left. Hours passed, but she couldn’t take her eyes away from it.

_She was volatile. Too destructive. Too powerful._

The blue gem remembered how  _afraid_  Peridot was. She didn’t mean for the green gem to fear her, their relationship felt real and she messed it up.

They needed to talk. But Lapis couldn’t.

~~_Coward._ ~~

The next location was the Temple. The bathroom, she remembered, that was Peridot’s old room.

The only place she could go after she selfishly ripped  _their_  home away.

The one they built together. The one safe place.  _Home._

And she thought it would still be home, stupidly. She thinks even if Peridot did come with her it wouldn’t be home. The other gem would be unhappy, she saw that in the way she talked about earth.

Up until now, she thought they had different definitions of home.

But they don’t. She knows that, but she’s too stubborn to admit it.

Well, she just needs more time to accept it.

–

She was restless.

Twisting and turning in the cushioned tub, growling and trying to sleep.

She didn’t have to feel when she was unconscious, and that made her wonder if that was why Lapis liked it so much, because she couldn’t see any other reason.

“Yo P-dot!” Amethyst’s voice was muffled by the door, “We’re practicing! Wanna come and burn off some steam?”

She grumbled in response.

The door slammed open, “C’mon! You don’t have anything else to do!”

“I do!” she yelled, “I’m trying to sleep!”

“That’s all you do. I ain’t letting you make up excuses any longer, come out and help us prepare for our impending doom!”

She laughed raucously, and Peridot (regretfully) got out of the tub and followed her.

The beach was windy, and Pearl started off by explaining the importance of practice, as well as knowing the environment and using it to your advantage.

Peridot felt very inferior and out of place, she truly meant the words she said when Lapis… left, Earth was worth fighting for, but she didn’t have anything to fight with.

She had… nothing.

Pearl then summoned her Holo-Pearls (which were very outdated) and asked Amethyst and Garnet to go first.

Their attacks swiftly took down the Holo-Pearls; Amethyst dashing with her whip and wrapping the Holo-Pearls as Garnet rocket-fisted them. The purple gem raised her hand for a high-five and Garnet impassively placed her hand on Amethyst’s.

_She’s here._

_She’s **here.**_

The feeling was back, and she looked around rapidly, running towards the cliff face; she was there she was there she was there -

“Peridot!” Steven ran after her, “Peridot come back! We’re next!”

His voice was muffled, her mind was only focused on her.

“Peridot!” he yelled again, catching up.

She stood at the base of the cliff, looking around, “She’s not here.”

“Who’s not - Wait, wait you mean Lapis?”

She nodded, akin to the one she gave him several nights prior.

 _“She was here,”_  the green gem whispered almost to herself,  _“She was here.”_

—

Everything hurt. Every rusted up tin can, every piece of metal, every dusty box - it all hurt.

She felt heavy, behind her eyes, in her chest, in her  _mind._

She didn’t even care if the Diamonds came, it was better than this.

Everything was cold, and so uncanny she felt unnerved by a lot of things. They weren’t where they were supposed to be, but they were untouched since she left.

Lapis couldn’t even sleep, the hammock wasn’t  _safe_. She never felt safe here, since it felt like a tomb.

She fell asleep once though. Right next to her. Or, what seemed like right next to her.

_You need to go back._

The voice was weak but insistent.

_You need to talk._

_You need to apologize._

_You need to tell her you lov-_

She slammed her fist against the Barn wall, ridding the thought.  _She deserved to suffer here._

 _Go back._  The voice said, stronger this time.

_It’s your home too._

—

Amethyst was beginning to think including Peridot in their training was a bad decision.

She barely spoke, and trained hard everyday. She worked well past what they did, and Ame didn’t think she took breaks.

“P-dot, you’re working yourself to death! You need to take breaks!”

“Amethyst, I’m fine. I need to train harder because I don’t have abilities like you do! My Ferrokinesis is mediocre at best and I can’t even fuse or shapeshift!”

“Hey, I get it. You feel like the runt of the pack,” Amethyst smiled, “But you need to take breaks. It does no good being dead on your feet if we get attacked.”

“I’ll… consider it.”

That was probably the best she could get.

—

The Crater was bigger than she remembered.

When she put the Barn back, it didn’t fit cleanly. Go figure, large chunks fell out throughout her journey, but still, it made her disgruntled.

She knew she couldn’t go back yet. Peridot would surely hate her, and she needed to prepare.

But Lapis already felt better. It seemed that Earth was… good now.

_She wasn’t ready to call it home, not yet._

—

The Holo-Pearl was quick, but she was quicker. Dodging to the right, missing the swing, a swift kick to the side, then another dodge as the Holo-Pearl narrowly missed her chest.

What she didn’t expect was getting tripped by loose debris on the Sky Arena. The green gem fell back as the Holo-Pearl loomed over her with a sword.

Peridot focused, closing her eyes and moving her hands outward, rolling out from underneath the Holo-Pearl.

_“Defeat.”_

She opened them and smiled. The swords fell to the ground, their previous position being the Holo-Pearl’s neck.

“Go P-dot!”

“Yes, that was quite impressive,” Pearl smiled, “But try not to close your eyes when you use your ferrokinesis, the enemy might be faster than a Medium Difficulty Hologram.”

Peridot shrugged, “I’ll work on that.”

_She’s… moved on._

Lapis watched from afar, clouds masking her presence.

_She’s happy now._

The blue gem flew away, feeling lost. She felt stupid for thinking everything would be the same, hell, she even saw how different things were.

~~_stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid_ ~~

—

It’s been about a week since she got back, begrudgingly sleeping in the Barn, trying to sort everything out.

She’s been back twice. Never once seeing Peridot.

She can’t sleep. She needs to be  _close._

Lapis formed her wings, tired of trying to sleep without her, and left the Barn.

The Temple’s lights were off, making the beach seem soporific and hazy. She let the waves touch just above her ankle as she looked up at the sky, and this time, she didn’t feel trapped.

The blue gem sighed, promising not to run. She was too tired, and hated the part of herself that reacted solely on instinct. Lapis chuckled, she was so warped she couldn’t even trust her most basic instincts.

“Lapis?” a small voice said, and  _god she hadn’t heard it in so long -_

“Steven?!” she jumped,  _fuck fuck fuck fuck -_

He looked sleepy, but she could tell he was very much awake, like a bucket of ice water had just been dumped on him. He was in disbelief.

“I thought you left,” He choked, “I thought you left for _good.”_

He clung to her, embracing her tightly as the earth seemed to have another layer to it, another piece she forgot along the way.

She wrapped her arms tightly around him as well, “I’m… sorry, I wish I could take it all back.”

“S’okay,” he whispered, “Peridot will be so glad to see you -”

“No.”

He whipped his head up to look at her, “What?”

“Not yet.” she shied away, “I need time, she’ll hate me.”

“She doesn’t hate you,” he said calmly, “she might be angry, yes, but she doesn’t hate you, Lapis.”

Lapis went quiet, thinking of all the possibilities. Steven was right, but she wouldn’t know what to say. Hell, she doesn’t even know what Peridot will say!  

“What do I say? She doesn’t trust me anymore,” she looked at the ocean, eyes swirling, “She hasn’t for awhile.  _She’s scared of me.”_

“She was scared of  _hurting_ you, Lapis. She wasn’t scared  _of_ you.”

“She sacrificed her wellbeing for me, Steven.  _She was so afraid to tell me she wanted to stay.”_

Steven held on to her, it reminded him of the time Pearl ran, he had to hug her from behind as she cried.

“I was.” a new voice said promptly, “I still kind of am, if I’m honest. Especially since you left.”

They both jumped this time, Steven detaching himself so quick she was surprised he didn’t get whiplash.

She felt a pang in her chest, “Peridot, I’m -”

“I know.” she said simply, “it’ll take time.”

Peridot sounded tired, too tired for someone so usually vibrant.

“I missed you,” Lapis felt useless,  _“I missed you so much.”_

That’s when Peridot held her as she broke down, both of them clinging to the other, although Peridot felt much more reserved.

It was nice, at least for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed! if yah want to gimme a prompt just head over to galaxxywrites on tumblr ill be there
> 
> comments and kudos are much appreciated, as well as constructive criticism.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rip if forgot pumpkin until like halfway into writing this
> 
> i love her but,,,, im dumb

They slowly got back into what an outsider would call “normalcy”, but deep down Lapis knew that nothing was the same.

It was hard for her to not start bleeding raw emotion and thought the second they were reunited, but she could tell Peridot needed a little time to get used to her. But she was bursting at the seams; it was truly agonizing to be so close but yet so far from a person you cared deeply for, it was on par with being separated from her on that godforsaken moon.

Irrational thought and impulse never mixed well, and she was paying for it dearly.

Peridot and her did talk, but the green gem was so guarded it felt like nothing was ever said. The green gem was protecting herself, that much she knew, and she was protecting herself because of Lapis. And it was killing both of them. Lapis couldn’t blame her, she  _ hurt _ her. Badly.

They needed to talk. 

She was desperate, she knew if she stayed like this she would surely die, no Diamond attack needed. They needed to talk, because if they kept at this, they would grow beyond the point of no return.

The opportunity arose when Steven and the Gems went out on a mission, the former subtlety nudging her to sort it out. 

She couldn’t be a coward this time, she needed to break the toxic (and frankly exhausting) habit of running from, well, everything.

\---

“Peridot?” Lapis called out from the beach house, just outside the doorway.

Peridot turned and stopped what she was doing, seeing the blue gem flying towards her. 

It set her on edge.  _ don’t leave don’t leave don’t leave _

She steeled herself, It was  _ hard _ not to just let her back in. It was  _ hard _ not to flinch every time she saw her. And it was  _ really damn hard not to break down right in front of her. _ She had a feeling Lapis was going to try to  _ talk _ again, and she felt woefully underprepared. 

“Peri?” she tried the nickname, spoken with clear hesitance, which kind of relaxed Peridot a little.

They both were really,  _ really  _ nervous. And really,  _ really _ inexperienced.

They were quite a pair, truly.

“Could… uhm, could we talk?” Sure it was blunt, but Peridot thinks that in order to get through this with both of them feeling better about the situation, they’d have to be blunt. Clear, direct, and no misunderstandings.

Which  _ might _ suck since Peridot was rather poor at explaining her emotions and needs clearly, and she was sure Lapis had trouble in that department too. 

“Sure.”

They both didn’t move.

Finally Lapis sighed, “Look, I know this is going to be painful. I understand, hell, I probably deserve it after all the stuff I put you throug-”

“No. You don’t.” Peridot was even surprised herself, but she needed to push through, to just get through the first part.  _ It will be easier later,  _ she told herself,  _ you’ll be happier later. _

_ Just get through this. _

Lapis was caught off guard and still silent, so Peridot continued shakily, voice wavering and words slow, 

“Lapis, one of the things that gets in the way of, well,  _ yourself _ , is that you feel like you deserve it. You’re angry, you’re scared, but some part of you believes it. And I guess that was one of the reasons I was...  _ afraid _ to help. I think I let too much of myself go trying to.”

Her cheeks were a dark green, eyes firmly fixed on the sand cushioning her feet.

Normally, Lapis might’ve drowned anyone who thought they knew what was wrong with her. Jasper tried to break her down like that, taking the raw emotional power thrown at her and turning it on Lapis. 

The older gem shivered, and said in a tiny voice, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’m...I’m sorry.”

“We’re both going to apologize countless times throughout this conversation, but I want to get this out of the way. I... I forgive you.”

Lapis smiled faintly, “Me too. Temple? I-- _ We _ have so much to sort out.”

She offered her hand, and Peridot took it, trying very damn hard not to cry while ignoring how her body buzzed with the slight contact, “To the Temple.”

\---

It was late when they got back, the corrupted gem Garnet had tracked down had  _ friends _ that weren’t very cooperative, to say the least.   

Steven was, frankly,  _ exhausted. _

After he muttered a “goodnight” to the Gems (who looked about as tired as he did) he went to do his nightly routine. 

The bathroom lights hurt his bloodshot eyes, and he squinted as he dolloped some toothpaste on his brush, groaning.

He spit, rinsed, and changed his clothes; going through the motions without much thought. 

Just as he was about to leave, he noticed that the tub was empty. Well, except for the blanket and pillows Peridot had been using for a temporary “home”.

He decided that was a problem for Morning Steven. After all, where would she even have gone?  

He yawned, leaving the bathroom, seeing Amethyst eating something near the counter.

“Psst. Hey Ste-man,” Amethyst whispered, gesturing for him to come over.

“Wh-”

“I think they made up.” She pointed to the couch, smirking.

Their they were, snoring (Lapis much,  _ much  _ louder than Peridot’s occasional faint ones) with arms wrapped around each other tightly. Their faces were tired, decorated with dry tear tracks, but he could  _ feel _ the contentedness radiating off the two them. They both didn’t look like they had aged four centuries anymore, not when they were together.   

“Yeah,” he said, smiling, “I think they did.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> visit my writing blog (@galaxxywrites) send prompts, talk about fic, or just whatever you feel like i guess.


End file.
